My Mother, we affectionately call her JuJu, will be 70 years old this year. She is an amazing Mother, a great friend and would lay down her life for any of her children. This past year, November 7, 2009, my eldest Brother, Shawn Dean, succumbed to his five year battle with cancer. He had acute leukemia-a bastard of a disease!
I watched my almost 70 year old mother venture into a new business this week, working hard and shedding tears when she found moments of solitude. She called me several times this week recalling places we had been with Shawn and homes we had once lived in and other nostalgic prompts of that nature. I find myself the constant encourager, a referee in a terrible balance of whoa. I, Brooke, her youngest child am battling my own careless, hateful, all-consuming monster. I keep the truth from her, my Mother, my family and even Steven, I keep the entire truth from them.
I keep it from them to keep them from suffering. Every day I seize, sometimes several times a day, every day, more and more of my hair falls out of my head in knots. I used to have such long beautiful hair. Like a willow tree in the Summer. Now, it is like an old broom stick with broken bends. I am dying. We aren't sure why, or when, but slowly I am slipping.
I go to the Dr. once a week and he tells me the same thing. I have been over exposed to radiation and there is a cluster of tumors growing at the base of my brain. Rapidly. They make me forget time and cause my eyesight to fade into shapes and colors. They deprive me of stability of mind, cause swelling and depravity of soundness of heart.
I have never known a love like the one I know with Steve, and I am so frightened that I will never get the chance to travel with him, marry him, have a child with him or make him the happiest man in the world. He so deserves that chance. I pray that god will grant me a miracle of long life with him, for I love him so purely and with so much truth. He deserves the world around twice! Cruel isn't it? How I finally fall in love and I become so sick that I am not worthy of love in return? Yet he loves me with such passion and fervor that I feel I am so powerful I can overcome all of this! I would give anything to turn the clock back or know how long I have to love him, make my Mother feel better-help her heal, tell all my nieces and nephews how great their uncle and grandpapa were and see some more of this great round world, but I am determined to live as well and as hard as I can!
I dream of better days. I wish I could go to Hawaii like my Brother did before he died. I hope that all the people I leave hear will find joy and peace in life and I pray that the world will learn from my story to live, laugh and love now......because you may not have tomorrow, take it from me, I think I have a good perspective on this particularl situation. Love those dear to you! Honor your family and friends! Remember that God only ask us to honor Him and your neighbors. How would you live if you knew your clock was running out of battery? Just a gentle reminder-food for thought- to love each other! God Bless!
Peace, Love and Rockets!-B
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